Women support each other through life's dance

How about some worthwhile tips on how to journey forward when it seems likely that Mom or Dad are going to need extra help and supervision? Women are facing strong challenges as we care for ourselves, our children and our parents. Today’s post is a valuable column from Seniors for Living. (photo by
Katiya Rhode-Singh via Flickr)

When Mom or Dad Need Help at Home

By Michelle Seitzer, SeniorsforLiving.com

I have already learned from my own family’s experiences that the adult daughter of elderly parents is the point person for all things “Mom/Dad.” The daughter tends to notice the sink full of dishes every time she visits. If she is not tied to a 9-5 schedule, she may be the one that siblings rely on for transport to doctor’s appointments. Her phone rings when Mom wants to share her concerns about Dad’s forgetfulness. When help is needed, it’s often the daughter who steps up and into the role of caregiver, care manager, power of attorney, chauffeur, personal shopper - and the list goes on.

Today’s baby boomer women have a lot on their plates already, whether they are caring for grandchildren or balancing a career and a family. Fewer are enjoying an empty nest as college graduates find it harder to acquire gainful employment. And, in today’s challenging economic climate, many women have become the breadwinner in the household. We all know the saying - “Man may work from sun to sun. But woman’s work is never done” - and it couldn’t be more appropriate here.

If you have noticed that Mom/Dad don’t seem to be managing their home or surroundings as well as they used to, seek to ensure their safety and maintain their independence for as long as possible before rushing into facility-based care. Maybe Mom would benefit from home health care services to keep her diabetes under control, or Dad is lonely and needs companion care. Perhaps Mom’s dementia is really taking a toll on Dad - look into respite care. Remember that sink full of dishes? Hire a friend or professional to do some light housekeeping. If they need socialization, find out where senior centers and adult day care providers are located (many of these facilities also provide meals).

In terms of Alzheimer’s or memory loss, be vigilant. Often, if a spouse suspects dementia, she might not share her concerns with her children and “cover” for her partner. If this “covering” goes on too long, caregiver burnout can occur - so, in this case, keep an eye on both of them.

Geriatric care managers can help you navigate the wide world of senior services; a care/case manager at your local county organization that provides services for seniors (sometimes called the area agency on aging or state unit on aging) can also point you in the right direction. A wealth of resources is at your fingertips online, too. (Explore senior housing and senior care at SeniorsforLiving.com.)

Whatever you decide, it is important to immediately address any concerns you may have, and you must include your parent(s) in the discussion. Open, honest communication will ensure that you are seeking to respect and preserve your parent’s independence, rather than taking it away. By maintaining their safety, you assure your own peace of mind, especially if you are only visiting once in awhile.

There is a bit of role reversal that occurs when Mom and Dad need help, but don’t take complete charge unless or until cognitive impairments have hindered their decision-making ability - even if you’re not living under their roof, they are still your parents.

(photo Josh Anderson/The City Paper, Nashville)

Mother’s Day is coming. Here’s a gift to mothers, from mothers. Thistle Farms is a non-profit business run by women survivors of violence, domestic violence, prostitution, and abuse. Thistle Farms has asked women bloggers to review a lovely little book. They published it to benefit women survivors and women recovering from the effects and devastation of abuse and violence. (buy the book at Amazon or contact Thistle Farm)

I liked the warmth and reality of the little book. It’s a softcover, small format that fits nicely on a bedside table for an evening reverie before bed. The book, called Find Your Way Back Home, is a perfect way to pause for a moment in respect and empathy for our troubled sisters.

Find Your Way Back Home gives 20/20 insight into the psyche of women who have lived lives of terror. What I saw is, they are just like me. They think like me and crave the same things I seek - peace, self-esteem, a successful path.

It’s a humbling little read, reminding us of what make women the same rather than exaggerating those things that make us different. Listen to this in your heart:

The change, for me, was to love my thoughts, and even my memories. I remember the day I went to church and my grandmother sent me with her blessing, saying, “You must praise the Lord.” I am loving that memory. I am praising the little pink dress and white shoes I wore that Sunday. I am praising how big the church doors were and how small I was. The memory may not seem important, but it is enough to change me.”

Can you not feel that moment? Didn’t you have one just like it? We empower ourselves, and each other, by recognizing and holding dear the small moments in out lives that shift our paths. That’s what this book gives focus to those tiny moments.

I’ve dealt with violence against women I love - as those who follow me know. I have worked with shelters for women in three states, as a grant writer and publicist. I haven’t seen a program like this one, ever.

Magdalene is a two-year residential community founded in Nashville Tennessee in 1997 for women with a history of prostitution and drug addiction. Magdalene was founded not just to help a sub-culture of women, but to help change the culture itself. We stand in solidarity with women who are recovering from sexual abuse, violence, and life on the streets, and who have paid dearly for a culture that buys and sells women like commodities.

At no cost, we offer women a safe, disciplined, and compassionate community for two years, paid for by the gifts we receive from individuals and private grants. Magdalene stands as a witness to the truth that in the end, love is more powerful than all the forces that drive women to the streets.

The most powerful gift women can receive is a map to independence. My heart felt thanks go out to Magdalene and Thistle Farms for mapping a way.. I’m going to find a way to become their advocate and to be an outreach for them. I hope you’ll join me.

Thistle Farms sells products hand-made by the women they benefit, with proceeds going back into Thistle Farms and their residential program called, Magdalene.

Buy their products. Thistle Farms says, into every product goes the belief that freedom starts with healing and love can change lives. The book can also be found by title at Amazon.com or any bookstore.

On mothers’ day– Jane Sellman observed that the phrase “working mother” is redundant. I wasn’t able to find out who exactly she is, but she nailed it, didn’t she?Is this your first mothers’ day? Try this idea on: The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Controversial Indian Guru Rajneesh

From Gola Meir, prime minister of Israel in the 1960s-70s - “Women’s Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It’s the men who are discriminated against. They can’t bear children. And no one’s likely to do anything about that.”

“A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands. But a mother’s love endures through all.” –Washington Irving, American author early 19th centuryHonore’ de Balzac (1799-1850, smaid to be the greatest of French novelists) had this to say: “The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.”And me? (Maryan Pelland, writer, blogger, mother, grandmother) I have this to say: My grandmother was the warmest, most centered, and gentlest person I ever met. She was the rock and the joy of my childhood, though my own mother, Grandma’s daughter, remembered a childhood filled with coldness, criticism and yelling. One woman’s heroine is another woman’s bane. As for being a mother, I have never done anything as difficult or as satisfying, and I have done a lot.

Mother’s Day may have originated, at least in the United States, as a call to women to present a united front against war. If that’s the actual origination, happily excluding Mother’s Day from the ubiquitous list of holidays created by greeting card companies, then Julia Ward Howe is credited with bringing the idea here.

It’s said she modeled it on a British custom that stemmed from an antiquated