Having serious neglected these blogs for a month, I am back on track with a question. Has marriage become a temporary condition? While California gays expending enormous effort to gain the right to be married, fighting for same sex marriage, I wonder if heterosexuals have lost the ability to understand the entire idea.

I know a young couple, married for five years. Two children - prekindergarten and toddler. An idyllic couple, really; so in love they couldn’t wait to marry. Husband has great job. Nice home. Family support and encouragement. social life. Education. They have it all.

One day, the wife decides she’s bored. She trolls Facebook for someone to relieve the boredom. Her family watches her accumulate male “friends” on the website. Her husband, secure in knowing he provides well, helps out with the kids, runs to the grocery store when required, and tells wife she’s pretty when he thinks of it, feels pretty secure. Life is good. He believes women and men can be friends without hanky panky and he trusts his wife. He sits on his couch, a lot, watching TV. He’s tired - 60 hour work week.

Later, after it all implodes, she will tell. him she made a conscious choice to hurt him. She never articulates why. Boredom?

So the wife hooks up with a boyfriend - a guy the husband befriended when they served together in Korea, and later, Iraq, bombs bursting in air. The scumbag came to visit the couple often. Lived off them for a time - he doesn’t choose to work. Bonded with the wife while the husband slept.

The couple went on a lovely vacation with the kids. NO, not the husband and wife. The wife and the boyfriend. they traveled three states, posted photos of the happy family entertaining the children. Lovely mountain venues. Stayed with the wife’s mom for a bit. And then the wife came home, packed up three small backpacks, and ran away with the kids to another state, where the scumbag resided in a rusty trailer. He’s unemployed, of course.

Refused to come home. Husband got a court order to bring home his biological son, the toddler. Wife said - ok, fine. I have one child and a boyfriend.

The marriage has now become a “case.” The children are confused, lonely and scared. They have each lost one parent, and each other. One has lost his friends, his home, his toys, his school, his clothes, too. the wife says - hey, he’ll adjust and get over it. I have my boyfriend. But no job, no money, no prospects, no place to live. She bunks in with whatever people will have her and a child for however long.

The husband and wife send unbelievably accusatory text messages to each other more often than hourly. They phone each other on prepaid cell phones and detail what action they each will take next to make the other feel like trash. They are out to annihilate each other and it’s working.

The kids? Adjusting to an extent. On the outside. They laugh sometimes. They play, and at least one of them gets plenty of hugs. No one knows where the other is, in what conditions, or with whom.

The husband and wife aren’t gay. they have always had the right to choose a partner, create a “relationship” and marry without giving any thought to the long term. When the wedding is over and the housework sets in, the job takes over, the kids get messy and cranky, the dog pukes, and the in-laws interfere, the husband and wife have the right to dissolve the marriage.

Gays, all over the country, are petitioning and fighting for the same right. Perhaps they will get what they want and maybe they will have the good sense to figure the marriages they may create in the future are worth fighting for, not fighting about. We heteros seem to have lost that perspective. It is so damned easy to get bored, resent housework, feel tired, and run away to something else. But what happens to the kids?

Nearly every U.S. state has boiled divorce down to irreconcilable differences. You don’t have to have a reason to break up. You don’t have to think about the pros and cons. Just sign the papers, pay the lawyer, and walk away. Most women never recover financially. Most children never recover emotionally. But hey, if you’re bored with housework, you gotta do something, right?

Take a moment to check out my guest post at HealMyPTSD.com for PTSD and Invisible Illness Awareness Week. I was invited to do a guest column because two of my family members are dealing with PTSD. It’s really tough to cope with an illness or condition that is invisible. There are physical symptoms, but often, people chalk those up to some other cause. HealMyPTSD is a valuable website by people who have knowledge and great concern.

While we’re at it, let’s visit some of my favorite posts over the years of compiling WomenDayByDay and Ontext:

A guest post from Thistle Farm, where women work to fix the hugely challenging problems in their lives. This one is terrific.

Women who read us honor their military loved ones for Memorial Day.

Proof that Jesus was a woman, and other funny stuff.

The courts are failing to help battered women.

22 ways to earn aliving at home - work at home

Basing marriage on positive thinking

Dr. Phil and the drunken teenage girls

Half dozen good ways for women to enter the blogsphere

Light therapy for pregnant women

There. That’s a little journey through the last few years of Women Day By Day. It’s rewarding to spend time digging up great information for my readers and empowering women to manage some of the things we face everyday. I’ve really loved finding guest writers to do a post here and there this year. Let me know if you know someone with something important, funny, or entertaining to tell us. Write me — maryan at ontext.com

Actress Joan Barber

Here’s a treat! Well-known Broadway actress, dancer, director and web entrepreneur Joan Barber shares her tribulations of finding a dress for her daughter’s wedding in a delightful guest post, Where are the affordable clothes for real women? Thanks, Joan - I love keeping up with your new website 50toDeath!

Here’s the problem . . . my step-daughter (my only child) is getting married and NO ONE makes affordable clothes that I can wear. Am I being petty? I think not. It’s important to me as a 21st century woman to be perceived NOT as an “aging hipster” or a “Betty White” type or a frump but as the vital, healthy, attractive person I think I still am - a real woman!

Or . . . am I kidding myself? OK. The K-Mart arms are creeping up on me, despite the fact that I wear a size 2. So, that means no sleeveless. The cleavage that I used to display with such elan (and that got me many roles as an actress) is maybe not as firm as it once was. So, that means no low cut gowns.

The legs are definitely still good, thanks to walking on a regular basis in New York City and schlepping up and down subway stairs. But my bunions (from years of dancing) kill me when I wear high heels, and no one makes shoes that work for my high instep without cutting into my hammer toes. In ballet flats I stand a statuesque 5′1″.

And as for my cute little pancake butt . . . let’s not go there.

The event is approaching and I am slowly freaking out as I trek from high end department store to boutique to discount paradise. I give myself what I assume to be a reasonable budget (buying the bride’s wedding dress kind of emptied my piggy bank) and plenty of time to shop, but all I see are teeny tiny prom dresses (where were those hot little strapless numbers when I was in high school?) and mother-of-the-bride frocks in which I look like a cute little dumpling wrapped in a doily.

Oh, for a stylist like the stars have! I’ll never forget the episode of Project Runway where the designers cringed at the prospect that they were going to have to design for (”ugh gross”) MOTHERS of hot young babes. The blue business suit in my closet starts to look better and better. Hopefully I’ll just fade into the hydrangeas.

BUT NO . . . I may be over 50 (well, pushing 60) and I may not be an heiress, or tall and elegant, but one thing I am is a proud and strong child of the sixties, an actress, and a rebel. I will be seen. I’ve never faded from a challenge in my life!

This wedding is just like any show I’ve done in my over thirty years of performing. I can play the role of step-mother-of-the-bride. I may not have a Tony Award Winning costume designer sketching and a wardrobe department building my dress, but I can use my vision and experience, my wisdom and sense of perspective to zero in on THE DRESS.

I just have to become the character and “she” (THE DRESS) will find me.

And, like the blue Grecian goddess she is, she does find me . . . as do the comfortable, multi-colored sandals (found online). I’ll get to show off my cleavage and legs at the same time (without being too outrageous). After all, the bride is supposed to be the star of the show and believe me, she will be.

Jon Freda

Norm Golden

Take a walk over to Joan’s website 50toDeath to see some really funny video slices of life in the boomer lane. Joan and her partners, Norm Golden veteran actor in 15 major films and numerous television projects, and equally prolific actor and writer Jon Freda, have built a delightful web of baby boomer-centric video entertainment.

It isn’t tough for me to say I admire Michelle Obama - even before she was first lady I thought the woman’s obvious class, intelligence and power were admirable. I’m delighted by Michelle Obama’s personality and capable elan. Ms. Obama is an awesome mother - a role model. We’re fortunate to have her in Washington and projecting our image around the world.

Someone challeneged me the other day saying, didn’t I think she and her huband Barrack fall short of the American royalty image portrayed by the Kennedys and Camelot (!)? And don’t I agree that Michelle can’t hold a candle to Princess Diana’s class and gentility?

For the love of God, or whatever higher power, no — I categorically do not think Michelle Obama falls short. What I see is she isn’t full of herself, or more concerned about appearances than about the real issues facing women and families here. Or anywhere.

She is gracious and caring. You can see it from a mile away. She doesn’t sleep around (or at the very least, not in front of the world…). Her husband isn’t a philanderer. Their family isn’t connected to organizaed crime or to questionable money. they haven’t dropped nayone off a bridge yet. Nor do they show the world distain for each other or for their marriage.

I am so weary of whiners who can’t see the postivies in anything…

There’s a good read in Forbes, called to my attention by the Women’s Media Center. The article is Power Woman: First Lady Politics. Have a read and pay attention to some of the details if you feel like America has any reason to be concerned about our First Lady.

What is your opinion of Michelle Obama? How do you think she’s representing us as a nation of people, families and parents? Does she help empower women?

This is the final installment of our series on top-ranking military women. Do military women give up family security. Do military kids suffer neglect? What happens when military mom is deployed?

Jessica Liebegott, USAF

In 1993, when Jessica Liebegott joined the Air Force she, too sought challenge, service and excitement. She got it. Her favorite assignment was Alaska. Having grown up in Clearwater, Fl, she had no concept of things like driving in heavy snow.

“It was beautiful,” she recalls. “So different. That’s what I wanted. But I’m glad to be back. I like warm!”

The constant upheaval can affect family life, and family is strongly valued among military members. Liebegott’s husband, Shawn, is a civilian defense contractor. He travels to the Middle East, Liebegott also has work-related trips, making life a tad tricky for five year-old Curtis.

How Military Life Impacts a Five Year-Old

“We got up at 4:30 am today,” she explained. “But he’s ok with it. When I’m away, we talk on the phone. He has pictures of me or daddy – whichever of us is away. He knows it’s short term.”

One perk of military life can also be heart-rending. Seeing new places while experiencing the world and its comes at a price. Making friends, then relocating. Finding a perfect home, then moving to another city. Establishing your kids, then uprooting them.

“The key,” says Liebegott, “is staying centered – with a positive attitude. If parents see things in a good light, kids roll with it.”

What about a spouse’s career? If your command says go, you go often without much preparation time.

Ramos, married to Michael Miller for 16 years, says “My husband’s supportive – he makes lots of changes. It’s ok with him.” Military couples have to compromise.

Rank has its privileges and responsibilities but Liebegott concurs there’s time for enjoying local parks, walking basset hounds Joe and Willie or volunteering to organize festivals and events at Grace Church Gulf Coast. When Shawn plays in local sport leagues, Curtis and Jessica cheer him on.

Ramos and her husband, also sports enthusiasts, unwind on coastal gulf courses where she says he excels and she’s awful. They enjoy scuba diving in exotic locations.

“The best was Bonaire, two islands to the right of Aruba,” she remembers. “We saw a bait ball – big predatory fish circle a school of smaller prey and dive in to feed. It was astonishing.”

These officers, valuable members of military and civilian communities, are powerful managers in a tough corporation. Through stamina and dedication, they meet rigid standards, yet can be moved near tears at the pleasures of family joys or from the pain of military family casualties.

Service members face opportunities to grow, unlike any others, says Montgomery, “But when you sign that contract, you’re issuing a blank check for the most valuable things you have to give – up to and including your life. Everything else fits in around that.”

Women Military Brass part 1 of 3

Women Military Brass part 2 of 3

Meet three women torn between being high ranking military brass in careers they love and nurturing their families. How do military women cope? How do military families turn out? does gender bias figure in? What about rape and violence? This is the first of three parts about the courage and dedication of military women and military families.

Sex and Gender Have No Place in Military Career or Family Success

When you speak with commanding women of the Air Force, Army National Guard and Navy you learn gender shouldn’t define success.

Mississippi Guard Col. Rebecca Montgomery, Ret., Air Force MSgt Jessica Liebegott, Air Force Lt Col Kimberley Ramos and Navy Capt Mary Deter believe hard work, dedication and high standards get you where you want to be. At least in their world. Their lives and careers are proof positive. And powerful, ranking, strong women earn successful families, relationships and private lives. It’s about balance.

Rebecca Montgomery, National Guard

Rebecca Montgomery retired from the Guard last year, returning to her civilian career as Mississippi Power’s community affairs manager. She went military in 1977 from a teaching position in Gulfport where, she says, she lead a sheltered life and hardly made a living wage.

“A man in the Guard talked about places he’d been. He asked me if I ‘d ever consider joining,” says Montgomery. “I could be a 2^nd lieutenant because of my degree and resume.”

So she became the first woman in a unit of 140 people, and the only female officer in Mississippi’s Guard. Her family was supportive, but she felt intimidated. Basic training opened her eyes. She discovered other people with other lifestyles and a big world she hardly knew existed.

It was exhilarating. She cycled from civilian work to military over the years reaping benefits from both.

In her fist duty, as a recreational services officer, the Guard didn’t know exactly what to do with women officers. Once, she lived alone in a 40-bay open barracks. Policy segregated men and women — she was the only woman. Times changed, the military made room for both sexes and Rebecca’s career bloomed, even if “old boy” attitudes occasionally challenged her. From commander of a truck transportation unit to being in charge of helping reintegrate soldiers returning from war, her career was a source of pride.

An Officer and a Gentle Mom

At home, she was mom, a hard transition at times. Her husband would tell her, “Leave the captain’s bars and combat boots outside the door,” she remembers. It was important to Montgomery that her daughters Margaret and Jane Claire understood something of mom’s career.

Margaret, the elder of the two, spent part of every summer as an award-winning participant at Camp Shelby’s kid boot camp. In a tee shirt that announced, “MY momma wears combat boots,” she learned independence, teamwork and that the structure of her mom’s career was not for her.

“Both girls are independent thinkers,” says Montgomery. “I like that they had a variety of experiences. They learned form me and I learned from them.”

With mom ordered to travel without notice, the girls had to adapt. When Margaret and Jan Claire were small, Montgomery’s assignments to Germany meant missing special occasions and worrying from afar about day–to-day family stuff. Once, when a hurricane was in the Gulf, Montgomery’s children evacuated to Laurel with their grandfather, while she reported for emergency duty in Hattiesburg.

“Now that was hard,” she said. “Being far apart in a crisis – no hugs, no reassurances for any of us.”

Military Women Part 2 of 3

Military Women Part 3 of 3

Military women struggle with family, career, and the military presence they are taught to exemplify. This is part two about three high ranking military women from Mississippi and how they feel sexual discrimination figured into their lives.

Challenged by God, Country, and the National Weather Service

A second hurricane shaped military officer Rebecca Montgomery’s family life. Because she didn’t make full bird colonel by her 28^th year in service, Montgomery had to retire. Fretting about that briefly, she concluded the right place for mom is home with her teenagers. Home she went, happy and secure with that outcome.

“I enjoyed the summer - my kids and my home - before Katrina took so much away. I was there for them in the storm. I think about that a lot,” she said. “If you leave God alone, he’ll get you to the right place.”

Kimberly Ramos, Air Force

In the late 1980s. Kimberley Ramos graduated Syracuse University, ROTC and went Air Force. Wanting to serve in the space program, she dreamed of becoming an astronaut. But that wasn’t in the stars. She laughingly admits to terrible eyesight and a tendency toward airsickness. She was off to University of North Dakota for a space studies masters. She studied space law and policies, satellites and space stations, among other things, and became a nuclear missile launch officer.

“It was like Matthew Broderick’s War Games with less drama, more routine. We have an excellent program. It runs smoothly. But it was fascinating. Who knew how much law governs international space exploration?” she mused.

From the Azores to D.C. to Biloxi Blues

Ramos barely let her feet hit the ground, advantaging many opportunities. Squadron commander in the Azores. Worldwide military command and control instructor at Keesler. Flight commander in Tampa, then Washington D.C. and back to Keesler where she was selected as colonel.

“We train Air Force communicators. I set guidance for instructors and developers. Tons of paperwork and a great deal of people work so instructors get the needed resources. I meet with 6000 students annually, in small groups, to see if expectations are met on both sides,” she explained.

After 19 years of exotic locations and assignments Ramos thrives in the organized, structured military culture, not comfortable to everyone.

“I can be so efficient,” she explained. “Our system is lifelong training and improvement. Ten years ago, the Air Force was 700 thousand people, now we’re about half that and accomplishing more now than we used to.”

Capt. Mary Dexter, U.S.N.

Capt. Mary Dexter, USN, in charge of Department of Defense shipbuilding contracts with Northrop Grumman in Pascagoula echoes that. When she graduated the Naval Academy in 1984, with an engineering degree, she wanted to be a shipbuilder. It was interesting to her that men and women in that field did the same jobs. There was no gender division at all.

She became the first woman to supervise Navy shipbuilding on the coast and is responsible for yards from Mobile to Orange, TX and one in Wisconsin. Like anyone blending motherhood and career, her most important challenge, she says, is balancing her high ranking position with family concerns.

Marrying in their 30s, Ernie and Mary Dexter wanted children. Ernie had no problem seeing himself as Mr. Mom if need be.

“God agreed with our want, and sent us Raymond, our seven year old,” Dexter explained. “It’s a juggling thing, but I wouldn’t trade either part of my life.”

She manages a good balance, making time for Raymond’s school, sports and play activities. Over a recent vacation, Mary Dexter, who, at work, oversees building everything from destroyers to small sailing vessels, helped build a pinewood derby racer.

Capt. Mom

All moms face stressful situations and make command decisions, but few find themselves helping a shipbuilding installation recover after a category five hurricane reduces lives and property to rubble. Dexter considers that her greatest success, attributing it to excellent military experiences and skills along coupled with high standards and dedication of those working with her in Pascagoula.

“Success means meeting responsibilities at home and in your job. It’s never about gender. We have a tremendous advantage – when we arrive somewhere new, from Japan to California to the Gulf Coast, we have a clean shot at making it on our own merits,” Dexter said. “We learn to count on each other and our abilities.”

Women Military Brass Part 3 of 3

Women Military Brass part 1 of 3