Having serious neglected these blogs for a month, I am back on track with a question. Has marriage become a temporary condition? While California gays expending enormous effort to gain the right to be married, fighting for same sex marriage, I wonder if heterosexuals have lost the ability to understand the entire idea.

I know a young couple, married for five years. Two children - prekindergarten and toddler. An idyllic couple, really; so in love they couldn’t wait to marry. Husband has great job. Nice home. Family support and encouragement. social life. Education. They have it all.

One day, the wife decides she’s bored. She trolls Facebook for someone to relieve the boredom. Her family watches her accumulate male “friends” on the website. Her husband, secure in knowing he provides well, helps out with the kids, runs to the grocery store when required, and tells wife she’s pretty when he thinks of it, feels pretty secure. Life is good. He believes women and men can be friends without hanky panky and he trusts his wife. He sits on his couch, a lot, watching TV. He’s tired - 60 hour work week.

Later, after it all implodes, she will tell. him she made a conscious choice to hurt him. She never articulates why. Boredom?

So the wife hooks up with a boyfriend - a guy the husband befriended when they served together in Korea, and later, Iraq, bombs bursting in air. The scumbag came to visit the couple often. Lived off them for a time - he doesn’t choose to work. Bonded with the wife while the husband slept.

The couple went on a lovely vacation with the kids. NO, not the husband and wife. The wife and the boyfriend. they traveled three states, posted photos of the happy family entertaining the children. Lovely mountain venues. Stayed with the wife’s mom for a bit. And then the wife came home, packed up three small backpacks, and ran away with the kids to another state, where the scumbag resided in a rusty trailer. He’s unemployed, of course.

Refused to come home. Husband got a court order to bring home his biological son, the toddler. Wife said - ok, fine. I have one child and a boyfriend.

The marriage has now become a “case.” The children are confused, lonely and scared. They have each lost one parent, and each other. One has lost his friends, his home, his toys, his school, his clothes, too. the wife says - hey, he’ll adjust and get over it. I have my boyfriend. But no job, no money, no prospects, no place to live. She bunks in with whatever people will have her and a child for however long.

The husband and wife send unbelievably accusatory text messages to each other more often than hourly. They phone each other on prepaid cell phones and detail what action they each will take next to make the other feel like trash. They are out to annihilate each other and it’s working.

The kids? Adjusting to an extent. On the outside. They laugh sometimes. They play, and at least one of them gets plenty of hugs. No one knows where the other is, in what conditions, or with whom.

The husband and wife aren’t gay. they have always had the right to choose a partner, create a “relationship” and marry without giving any thought to the long term. When the wedding is over and the housework sets in, the job takes over, the kids get messy and cranky, the dog pukes, and the in-laws interfere, the husband and wife have the right to dissolve the marriage.

Gays, all over the country, are petitioning and fighting for the same right. Perhaps they will get what they want and maybe they will have the good sense to figure the marriages they may create in the future are worth fighting for, not fighting about. We heteros seem to have lost that perspective. It is so damned easy to get bored, resent housework, feel tired, and run away to something else. But what happens to the kids?

Nearly every U.S. state has boiled divorce down to irreconcilable differences. You don’t have to have a reason to break up. You don’t have to think about the pros and cons. Just sign the papers, pay the lawyer, and walk away. Most women never recover financially. Most children never recover emotionally. But hey, if you’re bored with housework, you gotta do something, right?

Take a moment to check out my guest post at HealMyPTSD.com for PTSD and Invisible Illness Awareness Week. I was invited to do a guest column because two of my family members are dealing with PTSD. It’s really tough to cope with an illness or condition that is invisible. There are physical symptoms, but often, people chalk those up to some other cause. HealMyPTSD is a valuable website by people who have knowledge and great concern.

While we’re at it, let’s visit some of my favorite posts over the years of compiling WomenDayByDay and Ontext:

A guest post from Thistle Farm, where women work to fix the hugely challenging problems in their lives. This one is terrific.

Women who read us honor their military loved ones for Memorial Day.

Proof that Jesus was a woman, and other funny stuff.

The courts are failing to help battered women.

22 ways to earn aliving at home - work at home

Basing marriage on positive thinking

Dr. Phil and the drunken teenage girls

Half dozen good ways for women to enter the blogsphere

Light therapy for pregnant women

There. That’s a little journey through the last few years of Women Day By Day. It’s rewarding to spend time digging up great information for my readers and empowering women to manage some of the things we face everyday. I’ve really loved finding guest writers to do a post here and there this year. Let me know if you know someone with something important, funny, or entertaining to tell us. Write me — maryan at ontext.com

Please visit this site and read the entire post. It’s one of the most valuable things I’ve read in a while. Thanks. Pass it on.

In this lifetime.

(photo Josh Anderson/The City Paper, Nashville)

Mother’s Day is coming. Here’s a gift to mothers, from mothers. Thistle Farms is a non-profit business run by women survivors of violence, domestic violence, prostitution, and abuse. Thistle Farms has asked women bloggers to review a lovely little book. They published it to benefit women survivors and women recovering from the effects and devastation of abuse and violence. (buy the book at Amazon or contact Thistle Farm)

I liked the warmth and reality of the little book. It’s a softcover, small format that fits nicely on a bedside table for an evening reverie before bed. The book, called Find Your Way Back Home, is a perfect way to pause for a moment in respect and empathy for our troubled sisters.

Find Your Way Back Home gives 20/20 insight into the psyche of women who have lived lives of terror. What I saw is, they are just like me. They think like me and crave the same things I seek - peace, self-esteem, a successful path.

It’s a humbling little read, reminding us of what make women the same rather than exaggerating those things that make us different. Listen to this in your heart:

The change, for me, was to love my thoughts, and even my memories. I remember the day I went to church and my grandmother sent me with her blessing, saying, “You must praise the Lord.” I am loving that memory. I am praising the little pink dress and white shoes I wore that Sunday. I am praising how big the church doors were and how small I was. The memory may not seem important, but it is enough to change me.”

Can you not feel that moment? Didn’t you have one just like it? We empower ourselves, and each other, by recognizing and holding dear the small moments in out lives that shift our paths. That’s what this book gives focus to those tiny moments.

I’ve dealt with violence against women I love - as those who follow me know. I have worked with shelters for women in three states, as a grant writer and publicist. I haven’t seen a program like this one, ever.

Magdalene is a two-year residential community founded in Nashville Tennessee in 1997 for women with a history of prostitution and drug addiction. Magdalene was founded not just to help a sub-culture of women, but to help change the culture itself. We stand in solidarity with women who are recovering from sexual abuse, violence, and life on the streets, and who have paid dearly for a culture that buys and sells women like commodities.

At no cost, we offer women a safe, disciplined, and compassionate community for two years, paid for by the gifts we receive from individuals and private grants. Magdalene stands as a witness to the truth that in the end, love is more powerful than all the forces that drive women to the streets.

The most powerful gift women can receive is a map to independence. My heart felt thanks go out to Magdalene and Thistle Farms for mapping a way.. I’m going to find a way to become their advocate and to be an outreach for them. I hope you’ll join me.

Thistle Farms sells products hand-made by the women they benefit, with proceeds going back into Thistle Farms and their residential program called, Magdalene.

Buy their products. Thistle Farms says, into every product goes the belief that freedom starts with healing and love can change lives. The book can also be found by title at Amazon.com or any bookstore.

The economy has tanked. What goes down will probably come up. The pundits say depression - human or economical - can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s time for all Americans, indeed, the world’s people, to act as if. See Ten Good Things About the Economy.

Acting as if is a mental health technique. Your counselor encourages you to act as if a certain set of desireable circumstances is true. Example: You and your mate are falling apart. You want the relationship to survive, but you have gotten so distant neither of you risks rejection by reaching out to hug, or kiss, or compliment or support.

So therapists have you list small actions you could perform, or used to perform, that help you reach out. Like this” “I could give a quick goodbye kiss each morning.”

Then act as if you’re in love, and do those things.

You don’t feel like giving that kiss. You might recoil from the thought. You are so far apart emotionally. But remeber, you want this relationship to survive, to heal. Quick cheek peck.

It’s the same with this economy. New York Magazine sees it in their new positive news blog. If business people, bankers, entrepreneurs and consumers act as if the end is near, we will bring it about. If we fear living our normal life - do no spending, wise or otherwise - we add to the problem. If banks refuse to loan money because they are busy buying other banks to make bottom line look stable, we can’t grow. If fearful employers lay off people before that is really needed…

Act as if the economy is ok. Make thoughtful purchases if you can afford to. Take one step toward making your business grow just a hair - even if it feels slightly risky. Don’t give up on your loan application until you find a bank that will lend to you, if you can afford it. Buy a home, if you need it and can afford the mortgage.

Act as if we will face an economic upswing, and we will, you know, soomer or later. Act as if the new U.S, government has and will take sound steps to recovery. Act as if we don’t choose to live in fear or to profit from that fear in others.

Don’t get nervous - I’m not turning WomenDayByDay into a sleazy sex site. I chose to revisit this mini-review since summer reading is such fun.

This series of books is one that I’ve followed for a few years. Let’s face it, women, many of us enjoy appealing to our own prurient interests from time to time. Sex is fun. When practiced safely, sex is just about a perfect way to release stress. But sometimes, in the day-by-day rat race of life, it can be - shall we say - challenging to get up the steam needed for a phenomenally sexy encounter. Even an encounter with your own self.

So Editor Violet Blue (I suspect her mother didn’t name her that - it has the very ring of a pen name) has gathered a selection of erotica for us. It’s published by Cleis Press of California and sold as a paperback - the best format for sexy books.

Early on in the series, these were almost bosum heavers - a lot of innuendo and heavy breathing leading up to the scene you really want to read and then sort of fizzling out before any one actually touches anything of any import.

Now, not every story is a literary gem - you want literary, read Madame Bovary. I won’t guarantee every story will titillate every woman (no pun intended here). But they are erotic and there’s a lot of variety.

I guess what I will guarantee is that somewhere in this volume, or the earlier ones, you’ll find one little story that will set your panties on fire and send you off in the direction of your significant other for a glorious afternoon, evening or even morning romp.

There’s something for every taste - sodomy, dominance, lesbian encounters - all pure fantasy fodder. If you’re really finicky, heavily religious, or grow weak and swoon at the sight of a penis, a pussy or anything leather - pass on these books and find something else to read.

And if you’re looking for satisfying prose - some of these pieces fill that niche, but in general, there is another niche to be filled.

Marriage is the topic of a main article at LiveScience.com today. The writer, Jeanna Bryner, talks about how small irritations between marriage partners, regardless of gender, I might add, escalate and become more annoying as time and the marriage go on. Evidently, the same is true of most relationships - whether between parents and children, men and women, friends or co-workers.

It’s an article worth reading - exploring a study that asked respondents to reflect on these two statements:

• “My (spouse/partner, child, friend) gets on my nerves.”
• “My (spouse/partner, child, friend) makes too many demands on me.”

I’ve found the opposite in my relationship - we began with some very negative feelings - often bubbling those up into major bruhahas. But as we discovered that the issues we fought about were actually past baggage from both of our previous marriages, and not about us together at all, we became more comfortable with each other, developing more positive approaches and finding new ways to relate and bond to each other.

We’re pretty old - approaching the end of our fifties and have become sort of like old shoes together. Our rough spots fit together. It’s kind of nice.